paranoia

we all know what that word means. but where does it come from? is from not having trust? is it from past experiences? is it just not knowing whats goin on? is it all of the above? i believe it can be. lately my paranoia comes from my girl selling weed. ive noticed that drugs are not good for a relationship. take alchohol for an instance..... is it understandable for a man to be paranoid if his wife goes to another man's house to drink? or to do drugs? i think it is very understandable. my situation is different. my girl may not necassirily go get drunk or severely intoxicated at another man's house. actually when im home, she never goes to another man's house. but when im away, she frquents a man's house to go smoke weed. drinks may or may not be involved. this makes me paranoid. why does it make me paranoid. basically its because me being a guy, i do not hang out with chics unless i have a motive. and that motive is usually vagina. and i dont know what these other guys motives are by hanging out with my girl. maybe they just want weed. maybe they want a hot girl. i am willing to bet that they want both, weed and a hot girl to smoke it with. my girl will always be hot, there is nothing she can do about that. and she has friends of both sexes. and so do i. but the paronia kicks in when i know she's going to some dude's house to smoke. after all, this is how we met and hooked up. and doing drugs is also how accidents happen. and most importantly, spending time with people is what can also lead to these infidelities which scare me so much. and the reason i am paranoid about infidelity, is because i am extrememly familiar with it. i feel like i am a thin line. i dont want to be controlling, and i like smoking weed. i want my girl to have friends, and smoke weed. but going into another man's house, or bringing a man into mine to do drugs with my girl is kind of a problem to me. maybe i shouldnt be in this circle. some say it is hypocritical. you smoke weed yourself. maybe i am. but the truth is, every single time that i have smoked weed, what good has come out of it? nothing? and the people who i have smoked with, arent anything impressive. ill even go as far as to say, that my idols do smoke weed, but not on a regular basis. its also not something they look forward too. not a social activity. i hate those things. ive backed myself into a strange corner. one in which when i see people with similarities such as mine, it worries me because i know how i used to be. when i dont know where my girl is, and i ask her, and she tells me she's running to a dudes house for something concerning weed. its instant paranoia. do i think she's lying to me? no i do not. but that truth is a scary truth, because i know what weed leads too. they say it is a gateway drug. i believe that. a gateway to other drugs, and a gateway to hang out, waste time, be unproductive. and give you an excuse to hang out with someone. i love my girl, but everytime this happens, it drives me crazy. i dont know why. and she's been doin this since ive known her. but now, it does. it just does. when i first met my girl, i wasnt in love with her. and the what she did, didnt matter. but now a year into the relationship, things change. feelings change, and people change. im in love with her now. but me myself, i guess i could use a few lifestyle changes.

this loneliness has also fueled my frame of thought. i have nothing to do. but sit at home and think. i assume the worst. im in a town that is foreign to me, where she knows everybody and i know, know one. or only people ive met through her. ive lost some of my most comforting things. like my close friends, and favorite places. my life now is centered around hers. and my one main career seems to be really shaky. so i feel like im on my own. even tho i still have my girl, and i love her. when the phone rings in da morning, and she has to leave cause someone wants to buy some weed. sometimes i feel like that call, and that customer is more important than me. i must say, theere is a little bit of an insecurity in this, that im having a hard time putting my finger on. i wish someone with more experience or education from a males point of view, would comment or shine some light on this for me. some people would say, drugs are bad. if you dont wanna be with a drug dealer thats completely understandable, but its not that simple.